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Funny Jokes #1

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joke 1 : i met the guy who invented window cills

joke 2 : my mates butlers left arm went missing serves him right 

joke 3 i bet you dont have a subject i havent got a joke about he said beevers i said damn

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A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.
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Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”
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The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.” 

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As a child, my parents did not buy me anything, now I'm an adult. Now I'm able to afford not to buy anything!

 – Doctor, I'm afraid to treat teeth! I think it's better to give birth than to suffer the pain of a drill.
Dentist:
– Girl, well, you decide quicker so I know what seat to put!

 Strange creature – man. Hits because he loves. Fighting for peace. He works to get some rest. Drinks poison for health…

1 – You have to live every day like it's your last day!
– That is, every morning to go to the notary to write a new will?

 

2 The blonde comes to the doctor. Doctor:
 Say "Ah."
 Small or big?

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There are two girlfriends of the French. One asks the other: - Honey, how did you spend the New Year? - Well, as always in bed ... - Yes?! And there were a lot of people?

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Un brave homme trouve la mort dans un accident. Il se retrouve au purgatoire devant Saint-Pierre.

La première chose qu’il voit c’est un mur très long où sont accrochées des horloges. Sous chaque horloge, des noms : Berlusconi, Blair, Obama, Poutine, Margaret.

Il demande à Saint Pierre : «C’est curieux ces horloges? C’est quoi?» et Saint-Pierre répond : «C’est simple… Ce sont les horloges de leur vie! A chaque fois qu’ils disent une grosse connerie, l’horloge avance d’une heure en moins sur leur vie. Deux conneries, deux heures en moins et ainsi de suite.»

«Ha, très bien, mais c’est curieux, je ne vois d’horloge avec Sarkozy ? Pourtant c’est un grand personnage aussi ?»

Saint Pierre réfléchit, pensif. «Sarkozy? Ah, oui, Sarkozy. Je l’ai mise sur mon bureau, elle me sert de ventilateur!»

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Nice topic. It helps to relax a little.

What’s the difference between an online casino and a live casino? – At an online casino, you can cry when you lose, and no one will laugh at you (old one) ^^

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- I got up early this morning and ran to the park for a run, run, and aliens towards me.
  - Come on, I will never believe that you got up and ran in the morning.

The boss hires a secretary:
  - Tell me, how well do you know English?
That in response:
  - Yes, I know perfectly. This is my second mother tongue.
Boss:
  - Wonderful. Then read in English my phone number is 666-3629
She says:
  - Sex sex sex free sex Tunite

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Putin’s helicopter crashes somewhere in Siberia. Only Putin survives, but he is injured. He is found by a local resident immersed in a cart and goes to heal. Dialogue between them: - Long to the hospital? “Half a day's journey to the nearest city with a hospital.” - Can you get there faster? - No way. The roads are blurred. So we’ll even get a day. “But are there no local hospitals?” - No. There was one. Yes, they just closed it due to lack of funding. Now here we go to the city. “Damn it, how do you live here?” - Now, Vladimir Vladimirovich, I’ll drag you home, turn on the first channel and you will see how well we live. :)

Morning ... Husband to wife. . - Honey, make me this .... . Well, how is it .... well this one. . , - OK honey! After a while, a satisfied husband: - Yes, and figs with him, with this coffee!

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: «woman without her man is nothing». The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: «Woman, without her man, is nothing.»

The women wrote: «Woman! Without her, man is nothing.»

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